The other night on Twitter, “The Girls” were–surprise!–bitching about men. (I use the term “bitching” out of love, btw.) I made the comment that crappy boyfriends taught me some of the most important lessons of my life. Though no one really seemed to want me to elaborate, I thought it would make for a great post, or a post, at least, and would give me a chance to flex my estrogen around here.
We’re always told to treat others the way we want to be treated. However, you also have to treat yourself the way you want others to treat you. At the age of 17 I felt fat, unlovable, and insecure. So I ended up with a boyfriend who treated me like I was fat, unlovable, and insecure. Now, even if I’d started with a boyfriend who wasn’t an asshole, I would have turned him into one because he could have given me all the compliments in the world and I wouldn’t have believed him. And few things are as obnoxious as complimenting someone who argues with you about it. My moment of clarity came on my birthday after we’d been dating for almost three years. He’d been an ass all day and on top of it, didn’t get me anything for my birthday because I “didn’t deserve it.” That’s when I realized he didn’t deserve me because I wasn’t that insecure fat girl anymore, I was awesome and I was awesomely getting rid of him.
While I was in massage school, one of my best friends was cheating on her husband. I told her I didn’t understand why she didn’t just get a divorce; she told me, aghast, “I couldn’t do that. I’ve never been on my own.” I said, “What do you mean you’ve never been on your own?” She said, “I went from living with my parents to getting married. I’ve never been on my own. I wouldn’t know how to do it.” I didn’t even know what to say-I couldn’t comprehend living that way.
I bought my house when I was 19 and boyfriend #2 moved in shortly after I turned 21. He worked out of town a lot so it was pretty much like living alone. About the time I was wondering why I bothered keeping him around, an incident happened that changed everything. I got out of the shower one morning and the back door to the house was wide open; he always left through the front door in the mornings so I freaked, got dressed, and went to work. I asked him if he’d noticed anything when he left for work and of course, he hadn’t. When he got home that night I was already home; I’d forgotten about the whole thing but he reminded me and I told him to go down in the basement and check. The basement at that time was old and gross and rarely used and had great hiding spots for people who wanted to rob, rape, or kill me. Instead he tells me to grab my gun; I didn’t have my .45 and certainly hadn’t taken my handgun course yet so all I had at the time was my little .380. I said, “Okay, here you go!” He grabbed his paintball gun and told me to “cover him.” I was so mad at the stupidity of it all I was tempted for a second to just shoot him in the back of the head as I was walking down the stairs behind him.
So I learned one of the most important things to do is to be able to take care of yourself. I’ve never really expected a man to “take care” of me in a traditional sense, but I did expect him to at least shoot a guy for me if necessary. But maybe my expectations are a little skewed.
The point is, thanks to crappy boyfriends, I was forced to realize how awesome I am and that if I don’t believe it, no one will…and that I can shoot my own bad guys when necessary. 
Best thing about exes—the great stories.I could (and probs will) write a book!
You’re pretty damn awesome, P.S.
You’re welcome. ;-P
Most of us probably have illustrative story of exxes, that helped us grow in character, self awareness, and in some cases self esteem. It’s not a phenomenon restricted to women…
That said, you probably should have shot that guy in the head and buried him in the back yard! While I’m sure you can take care of yourself, as it should be, I believe that the good Lord made men bigger and stronger for a reason! and that they should be prepared to look out for the people they love. But I’d feel a lot better with a tough woman like yourself backin’ me up, in a frontier kind of way…
Exactly. It wasn’t really supposed to be a post trashing my exes…it was supposed to be a post for anyone who is letting *someone else* get them down right now. Kind of a “Hey, folks-other people are not responsible for your happiness–YOU ARE!” kind of thing. I guess I could have just said that and kept the whole thing a heckuva lot shorter!
That is a very good message…. was anyone in the basement btw, or was it just a malfunctioning door?
No one was down there. I think the door just wasn’t closed securely the night before and the wind blew it open that morning. It never happened again. :/
I could take care of myself when I was young, but after 7 years of marriage Mr. KillTruck and I are mutually screwed if the marriage fails. You call it a trap, we call it glue.
BTW, owning a paintball gun is always douchey.
Well, my husband told me that one thing he learned from his exes were a “do not want” list, so that with future prospects, if they did things that reminded him of his exes, he’d avoid them.
I didn’t have as much experience as he did, but yeah, I learned the same lesson.
When people ask me what my “type” is, I don’t have an answer…but yes, I can tell them what I DON’T want. I think of it like “Cat in a Hat”–I don’t know what I’m looking for, but I do know what it’s not.
It’s “Brett Farve-ish”
I learned so much when my ex left my kids & I. I guess I learned about what I didn’t want in a spouse, but mostly I learned about myself…what I really enjoyed, what my strengths really werewhich of my friends I could count on.
Wait a sec, you bought a house at 19 years of age? Color me impressed. At 19 I was watching “Zoe, Duncan, Jack and Jane”, and wondering why my undereye circles didn’t look as sexy as Selma Blair’s.