The Fu*&ing Bathroom!

Q: How many Irishmen does it take to renovate a bathroom?

A: It takes precisely one. One Irishman to renovate a bathroom. And it take one Irishman almost exactly one year to do it.

Now, anyone who knows a Collins of our particular clan knows that we are a determined bunch. But, we are also a very distracted bunch. To make matters worse, we have an incredible knack for underestimating our own limitations… or, putting it another way: we have a real “probably can do” attitude. That is, we are prideful.

I went into the bathroom one day and decided it was time to put my hardhat on. Of course, my loving wife, Jen, and children were very supportive. They loved the notion of a “new” bathroom. And the idea of being able to make it happen for them with my own two hands was too much for me to resist.

That was a major mistake.

I am not a construction guy. I am not particularly handy. I am impatient. I can be lazy (especially on weekends). But of all the things I am and am not, I am first and foremost not a carpenter. This is a problem. Especially when revamping an entire room. Especially a bathroom.

Dan will laugh, but this past Summer while he was in town he assisted with an hour or two of tiling. I could’ve sworn I was within striking distance of finishing what had become for me, “that f**king bathroom.” But I was not even close.

It was about 10 months ago that James, my beloved friend who has now gone to the Great Beyond, took his truck to a local glass block guy to pick up the glass block window I had ordered. He had warned me before starting on the project that I was “insane”, he having remodeled several himself. I can hear his voice, “dude… you can’t even change the oil in your car”. It pains me to reflect that he was right… even though he can’t really gloat (at least to my face), given that he is no longer int the flesh.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Nick: my old friend. He came over on a Saturday to assist me with the install of the window. We stood in the shower together. He couldn’t help himself and many jokes were made. Oh, the shame. Since then, Nick has been on and off the wagon a couple times. But the shower/window install and Nick’s ongoing struggle with addiction are not at all related… you sick people.

Along the way, during this past year, James and I left our former employ, founded SunAnt, moved into a shitty basement office in a shitty section of town. Then he kicked the bucket, I banded together with our remaining team, and now we are out of the shitty basement and out of the shitty part of town. My kids have grown older, my mother more removed, my nephew (whom I held in my arms as a newborn) is off to college. My siblings continue to plow forward (or at least not backward), my dad grows more and more fully-blind by the day… my waistband is tired, and the muffler on my car louder.

How many Irishmen does it take to renovate a bathroom? One. How long does it take one Irishman to do it? One year.

What I have learned from this “experience”:

1) no matter how tight money may be, there is a reason people get paid for doing this shit. Just pay the friggin’ money and be done with it.
2) do what you can (like demo and maybe tiling) and stay away from stuff that looks easier than it invariably is.
3) don’t EVER try tiling without someone assisting with lots of buckets of water and clean sponges
4) buy a small shop vac – it’ll save the vacuum cleaner and your wife won’t get pissed at you for “not thinking”
5) the right tool is imperative if you want to do a job right
6) when in doubt, google
7) coffee doesn’t taste better with drywall in it
“8)” clean the work area continually
9) girls cannot go longer than 24 hours without a shower (well, they can, but after about 36 hours they turn into Grizzlies)
10) while you’re remodeling, entropy happens