Howdy, Boys. Mind If I Come In?

12Apr/1114

Howdy, Boys. Mind If I Come In?

Cop: I'm Officer Reed from the Houston PD. We received a call asking that we come and check on Sybil Berndt. Do you know her?

Edwin: That's our momma.

Cop: So, is she around? I just want to check and make sure she's all right.

Edwin: 'Ward, is Momma around?

Edward: Ain't seen her for awhile, 'Win. Who wants to know?

Edwin: There's a officer here wants to check on her.

Cop: Do you fellas mind if I come in? I'm just doing a welfare check.

Edwin: Well, I ain't heard a peep outta her all day. Maybe she's sleeping.

Cop: I can go get a warrant, if I have to.

Edwin: 'Ward, the officer says he's gonna go get a warrant if we don't let him in.

Edward: Well, hell, then, 'Win, just let him in!

Edwin: You can come on in.

Cop: Much obliged. You are . . . ?

Edwin: Edwin Berndt. That there's my brother Edward. We's twins.

Cop: Howdy, Edward. Hoo, don't it stink in here, boys! What is that smell?

Edward: Well, I suppose that'd be Momma. She's old.

Cop: Smells like something died in here!

Edwin: She's dead, too.

Cop: What's that you said?

Edwin: Momma's dead.

Cop: Mind if I take a look?

Edward: Well, I suppose you gotta.

Cop: Holy Jesus, fellas! How long has she been like that?

Edwin: A while.

Cop: Just a minute. This is Officer Jim Reed at 219 Plymouth Drive, requesting back up and an ambulance. We've got a corpse here. Send a forensics crew, too, please.

Edward: I guess we're in a heap of trouble.

Cop: I guess maybe so. How long has she been like this?

Edward: Since, when was it, 'Win? January?

Edwin: We was watchin' the BCS Championship game when she fell down, 'Ward, remember?

Edward: That's right. We was watchin' the BCS Championship game when she come in here, all a-rantin' and a-ravin', and she done fall down.

Cop: Where did she fall down?

Edward: Right where she's a-layin'.

Cop: Didn't you know she was hurt?

Edwin: Well, yeah, we figured she was hurt, but we talked about it, and, well, we ain't got no money, so we couldn't take her to the hospital.

Cop: So you just let her lie there?

Edwin: We couldn't afford no doctors. She done fall down before, but she got up. I figured she'd get up after a spell.

Cop: So, did she say anything?

Edward: It's like 'Win says. She fell down and didn't get up. She done fussed for awhile.

Cop: How long did she fuss for?

Edward: I dunno, maybe a day. 'Win?

Edwin: I reckon.

Edward: Anyways, we didn't have no money for no doctors. And then she quit talking, but she stayed breathin' for awhile longer.

Cop: How long, do you figure?

Edwin: Coupla days, warn't it, 'Ward?

Edward: Seemed like it.

Cop: So, why didn't you tell anybody she was dead?

Edwin: Because we don't have no money!

Cop: I don't understand. Why did that prevent you from notifying anyone that she was dead?

Edwin: We figured maybe we should, but then we thought, well, who's gonna pay for the funeral? It's like I said: we. don't. got. no. money. Can't you get that?

Dan Collins

Dan Collins is a dude who blogs. He used to blog elsewhere. Now he blogs here.

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Adam Wells
April 12th, 2011 - 19:50

Among the top-10 saddest things I’ve ever read. I can’t even make a joke about this.

But if I was to make a joke….

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Mike
April 12th, 2011 - 19:53

All I can say is…Huh??? Is this where the ubiquitous “Dumb Texan Redneck” joke comes in?

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- Dan Collins
  April 12th, 2011 - 20:06
  
  I’m absolutely happy to make a Wisconsin or Vermont version, when I have the chance, Mike.
  
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- Dan Collins
  April 12th, 2011 - 20:14
  
  Actually, to elaborate, I think this story struck me the way it did because as I was driving late last night, I was contemplating writing a horror movie script about a series of encounters with our peculiar breed of New England hillbillies, that I like to call “Wookerills.”
  
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Cowboy
April 12th, 2011 - 19:54

That there’s a death panel . . . only . . . uh, rustic.

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Adam Wells
April 12th, 2011 - 20:37

There needs to be an investigation to determine if the first officer on scene was “involved” in any way with the deceased.

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jefferson101
April 12th, 2011 - 20:38

Having spend 10 years in NW Wisconsin (I was as close to Superior as I was to Minneapolis-St. Paul), I can promise you that the proportion of Redneck Bubba types in the population up there is as great as it is in East Texas, or L.A.

The L.A. to which I refer would be “LOWER Arkansas, BTW. I’m way South of the Ozarks, and even south of the Ouachitas. I’m even out of the foothills thereof. This area is closer to East Texas than it is to the Ozarks, which works just fine for me.

Which goes back to a comment that I once made at work. We were discussing relatives, and everyone I work with is a long-term local. They’ve got Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Second-Cousins, and various shirt tail relations everywhere in the area. I noted that I was only related to three people in the whole State, since my son moved to Louisiana. I’ve got a daughter and two grandsons in the State.

One of the women gave me an evil look. “Well…..What about your Wife?”

“Sorry. I live here, but I’m not from here. I’m no relation to my wife!”

That pretty much brought the house down. I had to apologize to her later for being evil, because I did know what she meant, but that wasn’t the way it came out. And I couldn’t help myself, because I am evil.

But there ain’t nobody I know ’round these parts who would leave their Mama lie on the floor and die, for sure. Them boys must have moved there from Kentucky or somewheres like that, I’d ‘spect.

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Adam Wells
April 12th, 2011 - 20:49

In all seriousness, it takes a special kind of stupid to do something like this. It’s the kind of stupid that isn’t unique to any particular area of the country, either. I’m relatively certain it’s no more likely in Texas, Louisiana, Kentucky, Vermont, New York, etc. Well, Wisconsin may be an exception, but that’s just an educated guess.

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- Dan Collins
  April 12th, 2011 - 20:53
  
  LOL, how insulting!
  
  Wisconsinites never waste anything that a little taxidermy can fix.
  
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  - Adam Wells
    April 12th, 2011 - 20:56
    
    Eeeew, sounds like an episode of Haven.
    
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    - jefferson101
      April 12th, 2011 - 21:06
      
      My dear wife had often threatened to have me stuffed and mounted on a stand when I pass away. ‘Course, she’s a Yooper by birth, so I guess you can’t hold some strange traditions against her.
      
      She’d never been more than about 400 miles from her birthplace in her whole life, until she married me. I got her over that part really quickly.
      
      “Hey, Baby…Want to go for a ride?”
      
      “Where to?”
      
      “One of my buddies called and wants me to come out for his wedding.”
      
      “Where at?”
      
      “Minot.”
      
      She discovered that she’d married a road eating type, really quick. 72 hours out, to the wedding, and back. Only about ~~1500~~ 750 miles each way. Although that was the year before they put the 55MPH speed limits in. I’d have gotten a ticket or two on the way after that.
      
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Mr. Bingley
April 12th, 2011 - 20:58

Who knew Ace had twin brothers?

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jefferson101
April 12th, 2011 - 21:13

Edit my previous comment to note that it was 1500 round trip. 750 each way, actually. I was in NW Wisconsin, not in New York. And we did do it in 72 hours.

She still hasn’t gotten comfortable with traveling with me. I still do the 900 miles and change from here to “Home” in about 15 to 16 hours. I’m the guy who wants to be here, or there. In between is wasted time, and I don’t have all that much left, at my age.

And she won’t fly, although the last time we did it was close to a 13 hour day, door to door, which means that I lose two hours by driving.

That part of my lifestyle has some Bubba influence, for sure.

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Adam Wells
April 13th, 2011 - 17:15

Has anyone checked her FB account to see if there’s evidence of a cover-up?

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