Stacy on Connubial Conniptions

6Apr/116

Stacy on Connubial Conniptions

Stacy writes on those women holding out for Mr. Right. And who can blame them, really, when all the men they go out with are assholes?

It's amazing the number of women who date nothing but assholes. Assholes don't really mind, though.

Question is: why do you seem always to date them? Is there something about you that makes you asshole prone?

Anyway, if I may offer a checklist:

1) Even if he's a crap dancer, will he dance with you? If no, forget him.

2) Can you work together as well as play together? If no, move on.

3) Are both of you willing to cede to the other decision-making regarding what's more important to that person than you? If not, keep looking.

4) Would it crush him to live without you? If not, he's not the one.

5) Is he willing at least to pretend to like your family for your sake? It's a deal-breaker, if not.

6) Did he forgive you right away that time you got drunk and puked on him? If yes, he's a keeper. (If you haven't, yet, get a large quantity of sangria and make the experiment. You'll feel awful, but it will be worth it to know.)

7) Does he seem strangely reluctant to show you off to his friends? Ditch him.

8) Make him take you shopping for shoes. Can he pretend an interest? If he can't now, he won't later. (Apparently I can't have 8 followed by an end parenthesis without getting an emoticon.)

Corollaries:

1) Nobody's ever ready to have kids. Having kids teaches people what's necessary.

2) All men need someone to worship and adore, Bernadette. Just make sure it's you.

3) Don't take away his initiative through criticism, then observe he's not sweeping you off your feet.

4) What about you? Can you collaborate? If not, it may have something to do with meeting all those assholes.

Now, hop to it. Time's a-wasting.

Dan Collins

Dan Collins is a dude who blogs. He used to blog elsewhere. Now he blogs here.

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Adam Wells
April 6th, 2011 - 16:00

9) Let the assholes teach you something. Make a list of your absolute deal breakers. Some of this will be things you’ve learned from the assholes (no one with a history of armed robbery, for example). Some will come from your own moral/ethical code (no one with 4 wives stashed away along the Utah-Arizona border, for example). Remember, they’re deal breakers, don’t compromise on them.

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- Meep
  April 7th, 2011 - 04:28
  
  That works for men as well as women.
  
  Stu [my husband] told me he worked out an anti-checklist from all the exes he hated. Anything that reminded him of those women, and boom, dropped. No need to waste everybody’s time.
  
  But speaking of Stu, part of how I got him was because most women found him unacceptable due to some very superficial checklists of their own [e.g.: what kind of money/job did he have, what kind of car he had, etc.].
  
  They saw a guy who was “beneath” them, and I saw someone who could put an axle back on a van within 30 minutes [with me only holding a flashlight] – for a first date, having the axle fall off his old VW bus would be a dealbreaker for many, but I saw I hit the jackpot.
  
  Funny how all those women started coming out of the woodwork once they realized a “quality” woman was expressing interest in him. Mmmm hmmmm. I happened to be at least 10 years younger than the rest of the chicks, so I had some competitive advantage there.
  
  Note to the ladies: do not waste your youth.
  
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jefferson101
April 6th, 2011 - 17:17

Don’t select a guy as a project, or a “fixer-upper”. A fair proportion of the relationships I’ve seen the wheels fall off of after the first couple of years were attributable to that.

You might get him to put the dirty clothing in the hamper instead of on top of it, and perhaps even in the washer on occasion. You might get him to cook and wash dishes, and even run the vacuum on occasion.

If, however, you are planning on him abandoning his preferred hobbies, leasure time activities and suchlike? It’s going to come to a bad end. You aren’t going to get him to give up fishing, watching football, collecting Billy Bass wall plaques, or whatever. He’s more likely to give you up at some point in the process.

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Adam Wells
April 6th, 2011 - 17:49

Billy Bass wall plaques would seem to fall on the list of deal breakers.

I would hope.

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- jefferson101
  April 6th, 2011 - 19:29
  
  My dear Lady threatened to buy me one, and give it to me with my kids’ names on the tag.
  
  The threat was a combination of watching my reaction to it on TV when I first saw the commercials, (Which was “What kind of idiot would actually pay money for something like that”) and her response to my reaction, which was that she thought it was cute.
  
  And she also knew that if my kids had given it to me, it’d still be on the wall somewhere, minus the batteries.
  
  I reminded her that Payback is Hell, and she didn’t. But I know perfectly rational and intelligent people who actually liked them. Once my dear wife came to realize that he was singing a Talking Heads song most of the time, she decided that discretion was probably the better part of valor, since I’d just have shut everything else off, and let the song play full length every time it got activated. I’m Rock, and she’s CW.
  
  The music differential can be overcome, but there are things that cannot. My collecting proclivities are and will always continue to be mine, for instance. She’s learned to deal with it, as I have with her yarn collection.
  
  But neither of us tried to get the other one to quit doing the things we like to do.
  
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  - Adam Wells
    April 7th, 2011 - 10:46
    
    I’m relatively certain my wife was able to stop her mother from buying me one.
    Some events bring about eternal gratitude.
    
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