New Whatevermageddon Watch

Crapture 2011 was probably worse than Charlie Sheen’s Winning Tour. Y2K was an enormous bust. Global warming catastrophe scenarios have not materialized.

I realize that this is all very disappointing to Jemmy Wolly.

Fortunately, we have Yogimageddon to worry about:

The dangerous supervolcano that once destroyed much of what’s now the USA is much bigger than vulcanologists previously thought.

That’s the disturbing information confirmed by an important new study published in the prestigious journal of Geophysical Research Letters.

Mind you, that’s a prestigious journal.

What you see in the artist’s rendering above is the earth preparing to take an enormous shart.

The volcano has been producing ominous warning signs the past several years and an area near what used to be a large lake is now sealed off to the public.

The lake boiled away and all the fish died. Since that time sulfuric fumaroles have opened in the earth and the ground has become so hot shoes melt into it.

I would say the melting shoes is a warning sign.

A survey in 2009 conducted by scientists gathered past seismic wave data from earthquakes in the region to create a 3D image of the subterranean hotspot. The actual ancient caldera, now mostly a shallow impression in the ground, spans across three states: Idaho, Montana and Wyoming.

All experts agree that if another massive eruption occurs the concussion, lava, superheated gas and ash fall would effectively destroy almost half of the US and be the greatest single catastrophe in recorded world history.

That would be kind of a drag, I must say.

So, in case you were looking for something new and different to worry about, have at it.

About Dan Collins
Dan Collins is a dude who blogs. He used to blog elsewhere. Now he blogs here.

9 Comments on New Whatevermageddon Watch

  1. jefferson101 // 05/24/2011 at 2:30 pm // Reply

    I’ve got to tell y’all, it is really getting depressing. Every since 1969, when California was supposed to fall into the Pacific and Atlantis re-surface, I’ve been preparing for one disaster after another. And none of them ever seem to come about.

    If the world doesn’t come to an end in 2012, I’m going to start getting suspicious that people are just making a lot of this stuff up as they go along or something.

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  2. Sounds pretty bad!

    Would this have a negative impact on my summer squash garden?

    No, really… what kind of disaster preparation would help with this? I have extra batteries for a flashlight and a broken weather alert radio.

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    • Hmmm. Well, the hot greenhouse gases would probably be good for your squash, if they’re not close enough to be incinerated, and the nuclear winter would probably be bad, so I’m figuring it’s a wash.

      I think you should stock up on beer.

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    • Dustin – one word: chocolate puddings

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      • Ah, puddings, beer, and the continent exploding. It’s like a Michael Bay movie.

        Bush’s refusal to accept global warming has doomed America. We need to buy magma credits and buy only basalt neutral coffees.

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        • Dustin da’vind – there’s a Kansas song for you there. Likewise, all we have to do to avert this is to outlaw volcanoes. Where is Jesse Jackson when we need him?

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  3. jefferson101 // 05/24/2011 at 5:15 pm // Reply

    As long as the continent doesn’t explode until after October, we’re good to go, because that’s when the Rapture has been rescheduled. I think the first one got cancelled due to the date conflicting with the opening of Pirates of the Carribean 4 or something like that.

    And, regarding stocking up on beer, I’m trying to figure out how to get Hops to grow down here in Lower Arkansas. Given the prevaling winds, I’m not expecting more than a foot or so of ash, but given the transportation issues that will probably come up, I’m planning on opening up my own brewery after the Earth Shattering KaBoom!

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  4. This will be bad for a lot of the US one day, but I’m thinking not by next October. Dr. Camping will have to divine another disaster that will finish us off.

    This looks a lot like the cross-section that used to be in the old Clearasil ads…

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