No Country for Young Boys

18May/1117

No Country for Young Boys

In the continuing saga of raising a boy in this, the Age of Emasculation, I would like to do some complaining and perhaps share some observations with you, Dear Reader.

Let me set the stage by sharing a little bit about our beloved and eldest son, Matthew. He is 9.5 years old. He is into Legos and Video games. He likes to read and has a seemingly inherent passion for the Faith and an interest in Theology. He is an exceptional student and scores well on tests. He thinks he would like to be an astronaut, architect, and scientist when he grows up. He's keeping his options open. He is a very kind-hearted boy. Empathetic. He is a sweetheart, really. He is polite. He is capable at sports, enjoys them, etc. He loves conversation and the game Spore.

The problems arise from the following: He is intense. And he is sensitive. And he burns hot.

Mrs Root and I would be the first to admit he is not perfect (as so many of his classmates are deemed to be). We know our child quite well. And we never tire to point out to his teachers the very best ways we know how to deal with him when he is getting worked up. In the past couple years he has made stunning progress recognizing when he is about to snap. And he is doing as he has been instructed: he gets away from the situation and goes someplace where he can collect his thoughts as his biometrics return to some semblance of idling.

I suppose some additional information is necessary before I go into the larger point I am attempting to make.

We are continually on edge when Matthew goes to school. And during school hours a simple ringing of a phone can make the body instantly tense.

A really bad day for Matthew goes a little like this: He goes to school. All is well. He does well and is attentive during class. Then comes the "unstructured" time... what we used to call "recess". Kids are mean. Most kids are mean when they play a competitive game. So, in kickball, one might comment "easy out". They may indeed say this to each batter. But to Matthew, this is something of a personal affront. He seems unable to slough it off. Therein is the rub. He does not react immediately. Then perhaps the same kid belittles him in a game of tag, by saying he was too slow. Perhaps that same child then says something on the order of, "get Matthew", making Matthew feel singled out. Perhaps this same kid perceives Matthew is beginning to become annoyed. So, this same kid continues on in the same vain. Matthew will have by this point told the kid to back off, making it clear that he is not appreciative of the borderline-obsessive attention being paid him in particular. These days, Matthew recognizes rage as it swells in him. And these days he simply separates himself from the situation. But the impulse is to slug the taunting child. His being tells him that a line has been crossed and that his charity and warnings are going entirely unappreciated and unheeded.

In the normal, natural, less-governed and socially-engineered times, Matthew would likely be expected to react to the insults. In fact, it is likely that in the not-so-recent past, Matthew would be expected to defend his dignity. Further, there would be general concern over a child who didn't defend himself with alacrity.

The reason is that the only means to strike an actual equilibrium with another Alpha Male would be to slug it out. For those who do not have boys or have never been a boy, I can assure you that the best therapy for a bully is a bloody nose.

Now, in the beginning of the year, this particular boy and Matt would duke it out. Unfortunately for Matt, he always came out on top. What that meant, in effect, was that while it takes two to tango, the other boy received a great deal more sympathy for his bumps and bruises. It was at this moment that Matthew became "the problem". It seems he would have been better served to have been less effective at vanquishing his opponent. Thereafter followed several more incidents... BUT with FAR LESS frequency. Nevertheless, even though the frequency of physical conflict was declining, the "remedies" imposed on Matthew (and to some extent the other combatant) were being ratcheted up.

Some will claim that the ratcheting up of the discipline associated with fighting had its desired effect. I say that it had some effect with regard to the fighting between these two boys. But it had some significant unintended consequences as well (which I will treat momentarily). What then do I attribute the less-frequent tussles between these boys? I attribute it, frankly, to the fact that the cost of fighting to the other boy was a deterrent. Each and every time he badgered Matthew to the ends of his patience, he paid a price. That is, these two boys were coming, albeit not rapidly, to a place of equilibrium.

Here is the rest of the story: the adults could not, for various and not entirely unwarranted reasons, tolerate waiting for an equilibrium to be achieved. In this day-and-age, there really is no place for school officials to be too cautious. I get that. So does Mrs Root. These real concerns (most of them legal in nature), are only amplified by some awful realities on private and especially public campuses.

so-called zero tolerance "bullying" provisions which spare the judge from needing to call balls and strikes
soft, soft, soft administrators... who are typically bleating heart rose-colored-glasses types who dream of Peace at All Costs in their fiefdoms
helicopter parents
weak-kneed, overly-coddled children

Now, onto the unintended consequences:

In order to "correct" our son's operating system, he was instructed that under no circumstance was he to get into any tussle. No matter how badgered or belittled... and even if his nemesis hit him first! If he was attacked, he was instructed that under no circumstance was he to strike back. His orders were to report the attack to an adult.

This boy has been working extremely hard to avoid confrontation. As mentioned, he is now very keen as it relates to his biometrics. And he has successfully avoided no fewer than a dozen physical conflicts with the other boy.

Great, right?

Not so much. The other day Matthew was so furious he refused to go to school for the next two days. When pressed, he said because he was afraid he wouldn't be able to contain himself and prevent himself from finally snapping. So he spent two days at home.

His agitator, on the other hand, attended school.

He is at school today (Matthew, that is). And I am afraid for the phone ringing.

In the principal's effort to curtail the fights, Matthew is now in a position where he cannot win for losing. He continues to be badgered, belittled, and taunted. He continues with this boy goading him.

So, Matthew struggles to understand how this state of affairs... this engineered "truce"... benefits him. It seems to Matthew and to Mrs Root that the other child (who is also a young boy struggling to grow into a decent person, as Matt is) suffers no down-side for his continued obsession with pushing Matthew's buttons.

In review, our child has gained a great deal of self-control over the year. But when is it too much to expect a child to not respond to someone who likes to play this sort of brinkmanship? At what point is it enough to say, "Matthew, warn him off three times. If he persists, warn him that the next time you will slug him. If he persists, by all means help him remember that there is a cost to messing with the bull. Namely, the horns"?

I do not want my child to be seen as a bully. He is not a bully. He never instigates. His crime is that he is a closer. His crime is that he has no problem finishing something someone else has started. His problem is that in today's world, boys are not permitted to be boys. Boys are expected to be girls. Or perhaps, gay boys. What they are not permitted to be are boys. God forbid!

I have complained about today's Y Generation of entitled, over-educated, no-backbone, mommies' boys.

But what the hell are we going to do when the generation after them comes to age without the ability to throw a good right hook and deliver a message in a manner that leaves no room for interpretation?

It seems to me we do ourselves and our future a grave disservice in the manner in which our schools and educators interfere with the normal development of boys into men.

It seems to me throwing boys into pools of estrogen and manbags will have a very terrible impact.

When we are called to give up our sons to enemies that only understand the use of force... my guess is the Powers that Be and the very same educators will gaze out from beneath their grey hair... they will look to the horizon from their walkers and wheelchairs... and they will see Matthew. For a moment they will be relieved. And then, precisely when he realizes who he is being asked to defend, they will be shocked (of course!) that he gives them a one-fingered salute and tells them to call upon their Army of Geldings.

To all such educators - to the Real Enemy - to the Real Bullies: I, Enoch Root, send you a hearty "f*ck you". Oh yes, and 5 kids total. There will be no victim culture buy-in in our house. Suck on that.

Enoch_Root

Person with kids,a beautiful wife, a job. Catholic of the Latin Rite.

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jefferson101
May 18th, 2011 - 12:27

I can relate to your situation, Enoch.

My eldest grandson is 11, and has been dealing with similar issues at school over the past two or three years.

He’s supposed to not retaliate physically when harassed and abused, but there doesn’t seem to be much effort being made to control the harassment and abuse.

His parents are spending a fair amount of time readjusting the attitudes of a few of the educators, with only marginal success.

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- Enoch_Root
  May 18th, 2011 - 12:46
  
  Unfortunately, as I have said before – most (not all) educators are not real bright… what that means is they cannot emerge from the “narrative” ingrained into their busy-bodied minds. They are woefully ignorant and not a very decisive bunch. Dammit, there’s a gravy train to attend to! On the whole, I would not accuse them of being purposefully ignorant, as that might imply they have the cognitive skills to process reality from fiction… when they seem to prefer fictional reality.
  
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  - Dan Collins
    May 18th, 2011 - 14:03
    
    Love mini-Matt. Just show him Honey Badger.
    
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Bob Reed
May 18th, 2011 - 14:31

While the lesson of self-control and violence as a last response to churlishness is best learned at an early age, it does seems that Matthew is in a tough spot indeed. I can identify, to some extent, since in my own youth my mother would countenance no fighting; the punishment we recieved at home was always far worse that meted out by the school. Heaven help me if I got suspended for a brawl. It certainly made me pick and choose the moments, and places(!), to get involved in scuffles…

Perhaps young Matt needs to understand the benefit of a change in venue :)

But seriously, in today’s namby-pamby society it tough. I have to suggest though that you have a word with the school automotans about the jeering Matt’s adversary has been giving him. And while this won’t come naturally to you, or he, I might suggest a sly gambit.

Recount Matt’s taunting to the Principal not in the vein of it being instigative, but couch it as being a form of bullying itself!, there supposedly being zero tolerance and all. And if the Principal reacts with incredulity, citing Matt prevailing physically in the past, meet that response with one of your own along the lines of, “What else would you expect when his natural defense mechanism is triggered”. Especially recount his need to stay home from school for a couple of days; characterize it as him being sick with “dread and anxiety” ! ;)

I realize that you’re not typically given to such PSYCHOPS, being-like myself-a direct kind of guy and not buying into the “victimhood” angle. But it may be a clever strategic way to use the foppishness of the system to your advantage, and neutralize the current tactical advantage of Matt’s adversary…

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- Enoch_Root
  May 18th, 2011 - 14:39
  
  Sage advice, Bob – and appreciated. You touch on something interesting here. I have thought that perhaps Matthew is the beneficiary of additional “correction” because his father (yours truly) is clearly not interested in drama of any sort. It may be to his detriment that I do not cover my heart with my hand and place the back of the other hand to my head feigning fainting as I am told of the hardships endured by the principal in her heroic efforts to save Matthew’s future! But I cannot bring myself to play act. Perhaps I should. Perhaps I should lament having brought such a boy into this world! Oh, the Humanity!
  
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  - Bob Reed
    May 18th, 2011 - 14:52
    
    After all, George Patton found it useful to practice postures and looks of grim determination; in the interest of motivating the troops through the proper command demeanor!
    
    Use a mirror like he did, practice your look of shock and horror; repeat in your own mind, “Why I’m getting the vapors!”…
    
    And then recall your latest tax bill, loss of a favorite pet, your mis-spent youth-whatever-to simultaneously bring the slightest of tear to the corner of your eye.
    
    And choose your words carefully to play it up big. Something along the lines of, “Imagine! how Matt feels as [boy x] denegrates him in front of his peers!11!1!, why his entire notion of his self-worth, as well as his standing in the community, is under assault by this verbal bully!1!1!”
    
    I’m serious! If you don’t think you could pull off the theatrics with a straight face, stick to justifying any future fisticuffs as him defending himself against a verbal bully who’s intent is to marginalize Matt among his peers.
    
    Keep using the words verbal bully, and occasionally throw in something about the girl that offed herself due to bullying on facebook.
    
    Leave the principal to connect the dots; she’ll think she’s a so schmott for seeing through to the heart of the matter.
    
    PSYCHOPS my man.
    
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    - Dan Collins
      May 18th, 2011 - 16:46
      
      F*ck those pussies.
      
      He’s a good kid and a good nephew, and I’m willing to give the beatdown to anyone who says otherwise.
      
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    - Bob Reed
      May 18th, 2011 - 20:44
      
      I’m personally inclined to agree with you Dan, but got the impression that Enoch was looking for avenues he hadn’t already considered himself :)
      
      There’s always the homeschooling option.
      
      Like I said earlier, a change of venue ; though admittedly I was talking about Matthew inviting his adversary to join him in a stroll off campus.
      
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alwaysfiredup
May 18th, 2011 - 17:48

I sympathize. My 13-year-old sounds like a dead ringer for your son. Teasing and insults create a rage in him that is bottled up until it explodes, usually resulting in him slugging the other child if we don’t head it off. He’s always been big for his age so he was labeled the bully and instigator when I know for a fact that wasn’t the case. Since Kindergarten we’ve been in and out of public, charter, catholic and non-catholic parochial schools. We even homeschooled one semester because no one would accept a “problem” kid mid-year. We’ve had truly countless teacher conferences, several suspensions, and have visited at least 4 different therapists.

I can tell you this: it gets better. Maturity helps enormously in coping with provocation. But we solved our problem mostly by finally finding a school (private non-catholic christian) where the social norms are much stricter and the kids are really shocked by teasing and meanness. They just don’t push his buttons very often, and so my son has blossomed in the caring atmosphere. Last year (6th grade) was his first year there and we’ve had nothing but glowing reviews at parent-teacher conferences. I leave with tears in my eyes each time, so thankful that we found the right place for him. I was laid off a year ago but we’ve sacrificed so that we can keep paying the tuition. It’s completely worth it.

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- enoch_root
  May 18th, 2011 - 20:57
  
  Thanks for the comfort. I hope like hell it pans out for him. Downthread youll see jefferson101 mention genetics. And I must say he is spot on in that regard. I love my little dude… but I do feel a bit of guilt for know precisely what he is up against. you see, he is reliving what I lived through. And it is a long haul. A lifelong thing he will have to work on. But he is still just a kid. And even if he is an outlier as far as tempers go, isnt that just another hue of diversity? Still, but for our genes…
  
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  - jefferson101
    May 18th, 2011 - 22:09
    
    Yes, Enoch:
    
    He is perhaps in some ways “genetically challenged”, as we all are, one way or another.
    
    I figure it this way. I got a fair amount of the ADHD thing, and passed it on. But I also got a whole lot of other things in the mix. And I’m not complaining about the rest of them.
    
    Beyond being easily distracted, which is an asset in my line of work as much as it is a problem, I got a fair amount of the Boy Scout Motto. I tend to be loyal, trustworthy, reverent, cheerful, and very goal oriented. I’m pretty thrifty, too.
    
    Brave I can do if I have to, but I’d rather not. I get carried away, and tend to do stuff a sane person wouldn’t do. If the terrorists show up, I’ll probably be on the casualty list, because I tend to go into “Charge” mode.
    
    Obedient? That one I’ve fallen down on the job on. I’m still relatively contumacious. But that is a fault that I can live with, all things considered. If I’m “asked” to do something, I’ll bust my posterior to do it. OTOH, if you come “tell” me to go do something?
    
    Heh. It’ll be next Tuesday or Wednesday, at best.
    
    You can’t beat the Genetic Lottery, but you can make the best of it, and there are places where us ADHD folks shine. I wouldn’t want to be a Brain Surgeon, but I could probably be a Rocket Scientist, if I’d have had enough patience or funding to get the education. I had too many issues with liberals teaching, even back in the early 1970′s.
    
    But if you have sense, you can learn anything by yourself. I believe that the word is Autodidact. I hated Math, until I needed to learn it to do my job. I taught myself Trig in about two months, and am still learning Statistics, but am fairly well grounded there, too.
    
    It’s not hard to be able to get along as a crazy person, if you are good at it. And the additional benefit of ADHD, in most cases, is a fairly superior IQ. The boys will figure it out.
    
    Hey…..we did, right?
    
    )-;
    
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  - alwaysfiredup
    May 19th, 2011 - 21:35
    
    We’re carrying genetic guilt too. Stubbornness runs deep in both families. My mother-in-law used to threaten my husband saying “one day, you’ll have a son like you and then you’ll be sorry!” She was right.
    
    The weird thing is that our younger son is so different and, I’m almost ashamed to say, so much easier. One child is prickly and one is sunny. They have the same parents and most of the same genes. You can’t really control how they turn out, so don’t take it too personally.
    
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    - jefferson101
      May 19th, 2011 - 23:18
      
      alwaysfiredup said….”The weird thing is that our younger son is so different and, I’m almost ashamed to say, so much easier. One child is prickly and one is sunny. They have the same parents and most of the same genes. You can’t really control how they turn out, so don’t take it too personally.”
      
      Oh, but we can at least shape, if not control, how they turn out. And mine have done me proud so far. My daughter is a “stay at home” Mother who has three boys who are as wild and contumacious as she was. My son is the Publisher of a Newspaper. (OK, it’s not much of a newspaper, but it’s run by a Corporation, and they hired him and he’s not been fired. What more can you do?)
      
      The kids are all right, and about the age of most of the crowd here. And I will modestly claim that I did, in fact, have a fair to middling amount of influence on how they turned out. As did their lovely mother, who probably had a lot more to do with it than their old Daddy did, all things considered.
      
      Actually, you have a point in the statement that we cannot “control” how our children come out. But I never wanted to “control” mine in the first place. Influence, maybe, but never control. They are real live human beings, just like me and their Mama. They have their own lives, and they get the opportunity to live them the way they want to.
      
      All I could do is point them toward the better selection of opportunities.
      
      And so it goes.
      
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jefferson101
May 18th, 2011 - 20:39

One of the reasons that I am as empathetic to little guys who are that way is that I was one myself.

I cut a major swath through my male peers until I was about 11 or 12, when I discovered coffee. In my day, that was still not a felonious offense, but it still gave me some fairly bad days with the Administration.

Once I learned to self-medicate with caffeine, though? I gained a fair amount of ground, and actually learned to control myself, mostly. (Hint here, from someone who has been there. If the kid will drink coffee, let him. It beats Ritalin all hollow for mild to moderate ADHD. I still run through at least 8 or 10 mugs a day, and am not worth being around if I don’t get it.)

In my grandson’s case, I’ve got him on coffee, and have offered to come down and sort through the school Administration any time that his parents decide they need some help.

Grandpa doesn’t play “empathy”. Grandpa plays “discrimination”, and then offers “Lawsuits”. And, since the boy is registered Native American from all his Grandparents except me, I’m the one who can play that card without any sense of guilt at all. And I will, if I need to get their attention.

My little guy comes from a warrior culture on all sides. His poor old immigrant grandpa is Scots-Irish and Norman French by ancestry. We’ll all fight at the drop of a hat. So, it’s a genetic thing, and my little guy has to learn to control it, but the idiots have to learn not to set him off while he is learning that control.

I’m still trying to talk my daughter into home-schooling. She knows it can be done, since she could read when she was three years old. Her older brother was four before he could, but he helped teach her, so I can’t claim credit for all of it.

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Meep
May 19th, 2011 - 05:17

Yes, well, this is why we homeschool the children we can. I do not want my children exposed to uncivilized heathens for that amount of time, under the supervision of irresponsible people.

Being exposed to the heathens for shorter bursts of time is fine by me, though. They’ve got to learn to deal with idiots somehow.

And it’s not safe to put a kid in an environment where they’re not allowed to defend themselves.

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Adam Wells
May 19th, 2011 - 14:31

Hmmm. Half way through, I really thought you were writing an allegory on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

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Joe Y
May 19th, 2011 - 16:26

You’re absolutely correct that your son is being persecuted unjustly and he should have the rigth to defend himself. HOWEVER…

If he has this rage problem, he’s going to have to learn to deal with it sooner or later, or it will make him a target his entire life, leaving him just as vulnerable in the working world as it does now.

This is as good a time as any to start correcting it. There are a million ways to deal with bullies, especially one that your son can already beat the crap of. Is it so hard to teach him how to kidney punch the kid when no one is looking? And, yes, lie like hell about when asked.

And of course physicality is the least of it. Your son needs to learn indifference and how to fight back verbally as soon as possible. If the kid says, “Get Matthew,” Matthew needs to know how to respond, “Get me what?” with the right tone of casual mockery.

You need to give him strategies to help him defeat his enemy–and put it in just those terms. Maybe–and I mean, maybe,because belive me, I’m not criticizing you, raising kids with issues is extraordinarily difficult, and it sounds like you’re doing a great job–if had confidence in other weapons, it might–might–diffuse some of his rage.

Best of luck to you. I have been there, am still there, and looks like I’ll be hanging around for another year or two.

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